Leave me Lord! I am a sinful man

Fifth Sunday in Ordinary Time Year C

“Leave me Lord! I am a sinful man.” Part of Peter’s response, the part where he declares himself to be the sinner, would seem anachronistic to modern man, although they would both share a similar repulsion. In the case of Peter, the repulsion arose from self-loathing, fully aware of his own depravity. But modern man’s loathing of the sacred arises from his self-sufficiency. In a world where the individual believes himself to be close to divine, immortal, invincible, God and the realm of the sacred will both appear intrusive and be regarded as threats to man’s autonomy and dominance.

What is the fundamental position which separates the two? Modern man acts from a position of hubris, whereas Peter begins from a disposition of humility. The former behaves as if he is God, the latter recognises that he isn’t. In fact, there's a common theme running through all of today's readings – it is the sense of unworthiness. The unworthiness felt by Isaiah in the presence of the Lord; the unworthiness of St Paul even to be called an "apostle" and the unworthiness of St Peter - who is so acutely aware of his own weakness, that he asked the Lord to go away: "Leave me, Lord, for I am a sinful man." This unworthiness does not arise from a neurotically defective poor self-esteem but an attitude of humble honesty. And such humility and honesty predisposes Peter to encounter and experience the sense of the sacred.

The call of St Peter in Luke’s gospel provides us with a close-up view of the process of conversion. St Peter’s conversion moves through various phases - from the world of the profane to the realm of the sacred, from indifference to commitment, from aloofness to immersion, from moral ambivalence to repentance, and finally, from curiosity to genuine enquiry leading to enlightenment. But this story is only the beginning of Peter’s journey of discovery and transformation. From a man who prides himself in being able to set the course for his own life, to a disciple who will allow himself to be led by the One who transforms his life.

Notice how the story begins. Peter remains anonymous and indistinguishable from the rest of the crowd at the opening of the passage. We will only discover later that he is one of the fishermen who were washing their nets on the shore. He stands at a distance from the crowds who had gathered to listen to the Lord. Unlike those potential disciples who were swarming around the Lord, Peter remains aloof - perhaps indifferent to Jesus and His teachings; perhaps a little curious about the reason for the commotion; but he kept a safe distance from the Lord, at a time when social distancing wasn’t yet in vogue. There were enough things, more pressing things, to worry about in life, would he wish to complicate matters further by listening to an itinerant preacher.

If Peter was unwilling to take the first step to draw nearer to the Lord, the Lord would not miss this opportunity to take the initiative, to seek out Peter. This must have come as a shock to Peter but it would be too early and too blatantly rude for him to utter those immortal words: “Leave me Lord!” or “Leave me alone.” Now that they were literally in “the same boat,” Peter had no choice but to listen to our Lord teach the crowds. From being an indifferent bystander, Peter now graduates and becomes an unwilling audience. We are not told how the Lord’s words would have impacted him but we can speculate that it would have had some effect on him as shown in his willingness to heed the Lord’s instruction to put out into the deep and pay out the nets despite his better judgment and experience.

Our Lord does not foist His will upon Peter but awaits his response. The reward of Peter’s surprising obedience and docility would be the big catch of fish, which happened against all odds. He immediately recognised that this phenomenon was supernatural in nature. And the man who had little interest in the teachings of a religious teacher is overwhelmed by a sense of the sacred and makes this confession: “Leave me Lord! I am a sinful man.”

A scholar in comparative religion, Rudolf Otto, wrote a seminal work on this topic of what constitutes the holy or the sacred. He summed it up with a Latin maxim: “mysterium tremendum et fascinans.” His definition attempts to capture two distinct poles or movements. The first is Mysterium tremendum: a sense of something mysterious, overwhelming, and daunting which elicits from us a sense of diminution, humility, submission, and creatureliness. This is what Peter experienced as he felt repelled by his own sense of unworthiness. But there is also another aspect of the sacred – one which attracts, instead of repels. Mysterium fascinans: a sense of something fascinating, desirable, good, caring, and comforting which invites us into its fullness, fulfils us, and in so doing, produces a unique kind of spiritual bliss. For this reason, Peter was also drawn to the person of Jesus, willing to give up everything, including the security of his profession and even family, to follow the Lord on the path of discipleship.

Peter’s story is our story too. In order to be true disciples of Christ, we too must make that journey - from the world of the profane to the realm of the sacred, from indifference to commitment, from aloofness to immersion, from moral ambivalence to repentance, and finally, from curiosity to genuine enquiry leading to enlightenment. The more we grow in our understanding of God’s revelation in Christ, the more we become aware of our own sinfulness and shortcomings. And hence, the more we realise our dependence upon His forgiving grace.

Today, when the Lord looks into our hearts, He sees things we can't even begin to imagine, things which we would rather not want to see. He sees our weakness, He sees our unworthiness, He knows we will let him down - time and time again. But He's not interested in any of that, because He sees something more. He sees the possibilities. And though we can only see our own limitations and faults and be repelled by them, our Lord invites us to shift our gaze and look upon His beautiful countenance, where we can only see mercy, forgiveness, and love. Our sins may repel us from Him but His love draws us to Him, and His love is far stronger than our self-disgust, if we only allow Him the space to do what He must do. But He will not do it without our consent, for St Augustine rightly states: “He who created us without our help will not save us without our consent.”

Our Lord is waiting for your consent. Would you put out into the deep, to go where you have not gone before, to trust in His words rather than in your own experiences and resources? Often, it's when we are at our lowest, when we have failed, when we are most acutely aware of our weakness, that our Lord comes to us and works His miracles. And it's then we have to trust in Him, to launch out into deep water, knowing that it's not our strength or our talents that matter, but His. As we hear His words of invitation, let us tell Him: "Lord, I am not worthy, I am a sinful man/ woman. But do not leave me. Instead, only say the word, and I shall be healed."